Lost For Words!!

My Grandma Bellamy

My parents put my Grandma’s ashes in the sea without me; on Tuesday 10th of May, and I am still upset about it.

Part of me really didn’t want to do that because of the excruciating physical pain I got even preparing myself for it when they cancelled it happening a few months ago, because the tide was out. So I have been spared one pain; but have another. In my opinion it should have been done almost two years ago, soon after she died on Fri 13th June 2014, but that wasn’t an option right at that time and it wasn’t my choice to wait until October when the holiday maker’s were not around. As that time passed, I wanted to wait until my Break Through The Barriers Of Redundancy To Get Back Into Work – An A-Z ‘How To’ guide was published, as it is dedicated to my Grandma. I held her hand as she died and told her she could go and I was there at the funeral, so had already said goodbye, and to go through that all again; almost two years later, when I had essentially gotten over it, was too much to bear. My parents knew this, and I didn’t know they were going to do that on Tuesday night. I also felt she would have wanted me to be there and said this to them, so it’s a tough one.

Now I keep feeling like I should go to that sea and another part of me is crying enough without doing that, and I need to get back to being quirky – which I can’t help and wouldn’t want to; bubbly, happy; positive; Sandra Bellamy. It’s coming, but I have to grieve again first. Sometimes you just have to let yourself go through the grieving process consciously. It’s healthier than bottling it up, so long as you remember to keep persisting in pulling yourself back towards the light and keep saying and believing that this is only temporary, which the grief absolutely is.

Because I wasn’t there, to me it feels like it hasn’t happened, but when I recite my dad’s text message back, that I cannot say because it is too painful – I have deleted it – the reality kicks in!

No word since from my parents which is to be expected, they can’t seem to deal with me being upset. Different people to me. If my children were in pain (never having my own kids so theoretical only), despite the fact I know they would not be happy with me if in my situation, I would still want to be there for them to support, understand, and help to get them through it. At least it toughens me up as in the sense it makes me stronger. In fairness to them, they were doing it to save me greater pain and part of me just wished it would happen and I would not have to be a part of it. But a text message!! I still know they have kind hearts. Just very different to me. I do have a necklace with some of my Grandma’s ashes in it, that my dad bought and had especially made for me at that time of her death, so that is good.

Until next time; write soon, embrace your quirky, and each other’s.

If you have a loved one, remember to stroke their arms, their hands, their face, and feel their fingers and skin, so when they go, you will still remember them and how they felt when they were alive.

God bless you.

With much love and thanks for your support always

Sandra
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