Lost For Words!!

My Grandma Bellamy

My parents put my Grandma’s ashes in the sea without me; on Tuesday 10th of May, and I am still upset about it.

Part of me really didn’t want to do that because of the excruciating physical pain I got even preparing myself for it when they cancelled it happening a few months ago, because the tide was out. So I have been spared one pain; but have another. In my opinion it should have been done almost two years ago, soon after she died on Fri 13th June 2014, but that wasn’t an option right at that time and it wasn’t my choice to wait until October when the holiday maker’s were not around. As that time passed, I wanted to wait until my Break Through The Barriers Of Redundancy To Get Back Into Work – An A-Z ‘How To’ guide was published, as it is dedicated to my Grandma. I held her hand as she died and told her she could go and I was there at the funeral, so had already said goodbye, and to go through that all again; almost two years later, when I had essentially gotten over it, was too much to bear. My parents knew this, and I didn’t know they were going to do that on Tuesday night. I also felt she would have wanted me to be there and said this to them, so it’s a tough one.

Now I keep feeling like I should go to that sea and another part of me is crying enough without doing that, and I need to get back to being quirky – which I can’t help and wouldn’t want to; bubbly, happy; positive; Sandra Bellamy. It’s coming, but I have to grieve again first. Sometimes you just have to let yourself go through the grieving process consciously. It’s healthier than bottling it up, so long as you remember to keep persisting in pulling yourself back towards the light and keep saying and believing that this is only temporary, which the grief absolutely is.

Because I wasn’t there, to me it feels like it hasn’t happened, but when I recite my dad’s text message back, that I cannot say because it is too painful – I have deleted it – the reality kicks in!

No word since from my parents which is to be expected, they can’t seem to deal with me being upset. Different people to me. If my children were in pain (never having my own kids so theoretical only), despite the fact I know they would not be happy with me if in my situation, I would still want to be there for them to support, understand, and help to get them through it. At least it toughens me up as in the sense it makes me stronger. In fairness to them, they were doing it to save me greater pain and part of me just wished it would happen and I would not have to be a part of it. But a text message!! I still know they have kind hearts. Just very different to me. I do have a necklace with some of my Grandma’s ashes in it, that my dad bought and had especially made for me at that time of her death, so that is good.

Until next time; write soon, embrace your quirky, and each other’s.

If you have a loved one, remember to stroke their arms, their hands, their face, and feel their fingers and skin, so when they go, you will still remember them and how they felt when they were alive.

God bless you.

With much love and thanks for your support always


30 thoughts on “Lost For Words!!

    1. Hi Ste, that’s very sweet. Hugs are always welcome. I managed to get my quirky back this weekend and start feeling great again. My Twitter book is doing well and my dream was to be a self-published Author and now I am doing it again and again. All I want to do is write! Well, public speaking, training and t-shirt designing too – but writing is my huge passion and I was just thinking on the way home from work how lucky and blessed I feel that I am published and people are buying my books xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi Ste, thanks so much, that is lovely of you to say and very encouraging. There is a ton more I want to achieve though. I want to have my own ebook store, I just need to write and publish more books – as well as everything else I do! I have the store, but need at least a few books to put on there and I know a fair few more books I need to write to help others – times the factor!! The Asexual Perspectives book is a huge project that is my main focus book wise at the moment, but I also have the fourth book I have started too. I also want to do short video courses/lessons too and have them on my store – ACTION is needed. I made some great business contacts at the Business Showcase Southwest – I would say today, but it is now after midnight!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I am really impressed by all you do, I wish I had your work ethic, or at least could use my time to do a job I loved that happened to include books, reading and writing.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Hi Ste, I still have a day job for now – but I use quiet times for creative imagination – which is awesome for unleashing hidden writing gems. I think you said you are doing freelance editing work? How is it going with that?

        I plan to do online training course and well as more write more books in the future.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. It’s on hiatus now, so I am working on getting better with my reviews and educating myself as usual.

        I am determined to get some of your drive, you really are on it and I just fancy a nap hehe.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Ha! Thank you. I have a virus and still worked today! I think i got about 3.5 hours sleep. I was working on a new inspirational website, but now I have a problem with it, so got to sort that out. Keep going for it, you are doing so well and will get your dreams in the end. x

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I’m sorry to read about your grandmother Sandra and what you have gone through recently. Maybe your parents should read this post to understand how you really feel. Big hug. Ralph xox ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Ralph, thanks so much for understanding. It won’t change how they are. They will wait until I phone them or go to speak to them. I mostly have to always be the one to phone and keep in touch, it’s tough! My dad reads my Facebook posts as I have it set to public, even though we aren’t connected as friends, and so I am guessing he will have seen some posts about how I feel, and he might tell me off for it or be unhappy about it – I got told off almost two years ago for a comment one of my friends posted in response to my post! I still get told off even though I am a little older in birth certification age than a teenager! And I live separately to my parents. I love living as a quirky teenager though, and at least I got my quirky/bubbly mojo back now.

      My knee is healing xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am so pleased that your knee is healing Sandra.
        So sorry to read that you and your parents are having a difficult relationship. Families can be anything but heaven and ice cream, can’t they ? I am pretty much the black sheep of the family, but I won’t get into that now. Well, at least you know I won’t tell you off …… yet ! 😀 lol. Ralph ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hi Ralph, I still love my parents to bits and am grateful and thankful to have parents, I think that in general they have kind hearts, I just find it difficult, I don’t think they are bothered, they are pretty laid back people. By not speaking for a while it will upset me, but it won’t phase them! I don’t usually mention my parents like this, as I don’t like to speak badly and just get on with my own life as best as I can, I just think it’s very strange parental behaviour to not phone your daughter especially given what happened, but it’s always been the case. I just need to be strong.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Ha!. I understand. I have a virus at the moment, but it will pass. it was a hard day at work, but I have been worse. I went to the Devon County Show yesterday and my dad judges the blacksmiths competition there and has permanent forges at the venue, as he teaches it. He apologised for putting my Grandma’s ashes in the sea without me but said it would have caused me pain anyhow. Before the conversation ended, I said he should have rang me instead of text me. I spoke to my mum – who rang me to thank me for my anniversary gift and card for 24th; and said that I should have been there, but agree it would have caused me so much pain so it’s 50/50, but he should have rang, mum said she told him to, it was after 10pm. She kept saying there was a lot of ashes, many more than Grandad. I said to each individually that they should ring me sometimes.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Oh dear. Sorry to read that you have a virus at the moment. I do hope that it is a 24 hour nasty and that you will soon get better Sandra. At the same time I am pleased to read that your parents had a chat with you and I do hope that they will ring you as you requested. 😀 ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Hi Ralph, thank you. I have a good YouTube video coming up about my virus and it’s a positive quirky take on it. I actually have a chest infection and have today and the next two days off from work. My boss let me take a holiday day with my two days off to get better.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. I just watched the video and you do look rough. I would put Vicks on your chest and get your piggies to pamper you Sandra. Get well soon ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Hi Ralph, I have been using Vicks actually – although last night/this morning when I got into bed, I forgot and just used my Albas Oil. I have a screaming ear/headache right now so will be going back to sleep – well try to rest if I can. xx

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Oh dear. I hope today is a good one for you Sandra. I know how these viruses affect you. Out here in Spain they seem to go on for weeks, but I hope with you it has cleared up today.
        Hot and sunny here today, makes me feel great. 😀 ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      9. Good you are feeling great. I have 7 days of work in a row after today and still have a chest infection, then I have 11 days of days off/holiday – to work on my own stuff. Just so much to do!! If I can’t work 7 days in a row, I will have 10 days off in a row, I still have to work 7 days in a row after that! I will get better. I have not had any time off sick from my day job for just over 2 years and 4 months and so I don’t want to take any time of sick if I can help it and I don’t get sick pay anyway!! Enjoy the sun!

        Liked by 1 person

      10. Wow, That is quite a 7/11 that you have planned Sandra. It’s unfair that being under the influence of a virus that you have to go to work and pass it on to the staff and customers when you should be at home getting yourself totally healed. It’s crazy world 😦

        Liked by 1 person

      11. Yep, Crazy! But tons of staff come into work sick and they get paid sick pay and I don’t. I have done well to mange not having any time off sick for just over 2 years and 4 months, lets hope I survive the next 7 days – I could reduce it to 5 days of working and take one less day for my days off/holiday bundle from Second of June, so will probably have to do that, or else use one of my other holiday days – but I might need to keep them as I only just got my allowance back from 1st of April for the whole year.

        I just bought a course as well, that I need for my businesses, if I am going to progress!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Dearest Sandra… I am so very sorry this happened. I was really close to my maternal grandmother and I remember how painful it was to lose her. It has only been a couple of years since my paternal grandmother passed (not as close to her) but I spent time with her when I had the opportunity. One of the last things I did for her was take lotion and massage her hands. She had dementia really bad and couldn’t remember me, but that was ok. I did it for me more than her. It is a sweet memory.
    Parents can be weird when they lose a parent… I know because my dad is very pragmatic. “You don’t have to like it, but you have to accept it.” Man of few words….
    I will be thinking about you and sending prayers your way. It will be better soon… ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Courtney for your heartfelt words; for your support, comfort, love and care – it means sop very much. I think your dad would get on well with mine – like minds! My dad reminds me of an army type sometimes, but he has never been in the army! Less emotion toughens you up type

      Liked by 1 person

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