Lost For Words!!


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My Grandma Bellamy

My parents put my Grandma’s ashes in the sea without me; on Tuesday 10th of May, and I am still upset about it.

Part of me really didn’t want to do that because of the excruciating physical pain I got even preparing myself for it when they cancelled it happening a few months ago, because the tide was out. So I have been spared one pain; but have another. In my opinion it should have been done almost two years ago, soon after she died on Fri 13th June 2014, but that wasn’t an option right at that time and it wasn’t my choice to wait until October when the holiday maker’s were not around. As that time passed, I wanted to wait until my Break Through The Barriers Of Redundancy To Get Back Into Work – An A-Z ‘How To’ guide was published, as it is dedicated to my Grandma. I held her hand as she died and told her she could go and I was there at the funeral, so had already said goodbye, and to go through that all again; almost two years later, when I had essentially gotten over it, was too much to bear. My parents knew this, and I didn’t know they were going to do that on Tuesday night. I also felt she would have wanted me to be there and said this to them, so it’s a tough one.

Now I keep feeling like I should go to that sea and another part of me is crying enough without doing that, and I need to get back to being quirky – which I can’t help and wouldn’t want to; bubbly, happy; positive; Sandra Bellamy. It’s coming, but I have to grieve again first. Sometimes you just have to let yourself go through the grieving process consciously. It’s healthier than bottling it up, so long as you remember to keep persisting in pulling yourself back towards the light and keep saying and believing that this is only temporary, which the grief absolutely is.

Because I wasn’t there, to me it feels like it hasn’t happened, but when I recite my dad’s text message back, that I cannot say because it is too painful – I have deleted it – the reality kicks in!

No word since from my parents which is to be expected, they can’t seem to deal with me being upset. Different people to me. If my children were in pain (never having my own kids so theoretical only), despite the fact I know they would not be happy with me if in my situation, I would still want to be there for them to support, understand, and help to get them through it. At least it toughens me up as in the sense it makes me stronger. In fairness to them, they were doing it to save me greater pain and part of me just wished it would happen and I would not have to be a part of it. But a text message!! I still know they have kind hearts. Just very different to me. I do have a necklace with some of my Grandma’s ashes in it, that my dad bought and had especially made for me at that time of her death, so that is good.

Until next time; write soon, embrace your quirky, and each other’s.

If you have a loved one, remember to stroke their arms, their hands, their face, and feel their fingers and skin, so when they go, you will still remember them and how they felt when they were alive.

God bless you.

With much love and thanks for your support always

Sandra
XxxxxxxX

Daisy Guinea pig – I lost my Angel


My furry baby Daisy Guinea pig died yesterday – I lost my angel to a respiratory infection.

Since being diagnosed on Friday 13th, she took a turn for the worst, and although she had been having problems with her breathing, yesterday morning, she was gasping for breath. I got her to the vets in the morning and she was admitted for the day, for treatment, and to go in an oxygen incubator. Chestnut, went with her for companionship.

When I went to collect Daisy to take her home, the receptionist/nurse, had previously said on the phone that she was still having breathing problems, but ‘stable’. We got there a bit earlier than our appointment time. The vet took her into the consultation room, began to talk, and took her out of the box that I had brought her in. Within seconds, she died. My mum was with me and said she had ‘gone’ before the vet did. She only took a couple of breaths and sort of went on her side and that was it. (She hung on for me I guess. Bless her.)

While she was at the vets, I prayed that whatever happens would be the best for her, either way. As much as I want/ed her alive. I did not like to see her gasping for breath. Barely any guinea pigs I know of, are able to survive a respiratory infection.

The vet was in shock as he said she was fine minutes ago, before he had moved her to the consultation room. He said that while there, she had 40ml of recovery formula and was even eating it from the plate. He said she had been playing in the food pot and he had food down his clothing to prove it.

Yesterday was a sad day for me and I am am still crying today. My angel Daisy has gone forever. It’s so sudden since Friday and so upsetting. I loved my sweet one to bits.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day, and the first time Daisy had been without her mum Snuggles, since she passed on the 24th of October, 2014. The vet bought me a plant for the loss of Snuggles and it had the most amount of flowers it’s ever had on it, since her death. They are in an upright position, looking to the heavens.

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At first I thought they were upright meaning Daisy would get better, now I know they are upright because they are pointing to the heavens and to where she is now with her mum Snuggles, her brother Cinnamon and her Aunty Peaches. I love you all. Take care of each other in heaven. I miss you and love you all. I wish you were with me now. It’s hurts so very much. It cuts like a knife, I want your tender touch, now, but I can no longer have it. My precious baby furry kid family, gone forever. My love for you is eternal and it always will be, forever and beyond the galaxies, the moon and the stars. Thank you for loving me too, so very much, my precious babies.

I wish I could magic them back, but I can’t. This isn’t a book or a fairytale, or even a tragic story that needed telling. It’s reality and hurts.

As a tribute to Daisy (black and white ), I decided to upload the last video I ever recorded of her and Chestnut in the cage, before I was about to clean them out. It was taken on the 2nd of March, 2015. So; yes – the respiratory infection came on quickly. Having said that, I noticed a few days before that her breathing wasn’t the same and I thought she may have gotten an enlarged heart like her mum Snuggles. Snuggles breathed heavier than the average piggie and her Aunty Peaches made bad breathing noises for two years and the vet couldn’t find anything wrong with her. Peaches died of a respiratory infection and genetic lung condition and her mum had a spot on her lung, so there was always hereditary problems.

I hope you like the video. It’s hard to publish it, but at the same time I feel it needs to be and is a tribute to Daisy. I have an unpublished video of Snuggles on her birthday, when she was very sick before she died a few days later. At the moment I am keeping that a secret and not publishing it,  as she was so poorly and for now at least, it’s between me and her.

In case you missed the last two posts, here are some photos only taken days ago.

 

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In the last photo you can tell she is looking sicker.

I hope you like the final video footage that I took of her and Chestnut on the 2nd of March. She is mischievous at the end of it with headbutts. Soooo naughty!

You only have one life, so live it, love it, be happy, and seek out those who can make you happy after you have made yourself happy. If you love someone, tell them. If they don’t love you back, move on. Do what you were born to do and keep doing it over and over again. Remember, I love you. You are super awesome in your own right and very special.

Daisy’s previous video

Snuggles video in case you missed it

To end on a lighter note, in case you missed it, here is Chestnut’s Inspirational New Year Message

Before I go, I am thrilled to share with you, that Paula Acton has nominated me for the Very Inspirational Blog Award, http://paulaacton.com/2015/03/13/vlog-time-16-inspiring/watch the video

 

Until next time

Write soon

Embrace Your Quirky and Each Others.

Sandra

Are you superstitious? – Gone but never forgotten


Hi everyone

Grandma Kathleen Bellamy

 

My Grandma died last night while I held her hand. She told me a few months ago that her dying wish was not to die alone and for me to hold her hand as she passed away. I was blessed to have fulfilled that wish. She hung on just for me to say goodbye. She had pneumonia and could barely breathe. I told her that I didn’t want her to die, but if she had to go, it was okay. Within a few minutes she had passed away.

I had been at work yesterday in my day job and went food shopping after work. My mobile phone had been on silent and I had realised that I had missed a call from my mum. As soon as I got home, I saw my landline answer machine flashing; there was a message on it from my mum and I phoned my mum back. She told me that the doctor had visited my Grandma earlier that day and said she has only hours to live. My dad was at the home at that point with my Grandma. After talking to my mum, she went to the home to hold my Grandma’s hand while my dad picked me up to see my Grandma.

It was weird getting ready for my dad to pick me up to go to my Grandma’s death. I had to feed my guineapigs extra veg; give them fresh water and a pile of piggy mix so I could prepare for staying over at my parents. I packed some food, some clothes and my charger. I ate some rice and fish that I had heated in the microwave. ‘Is this what it is like, preparing for someone’s death?’ I thought to myself. It was a very surreal and odd moment.

I vowed last year, 2013, to try to not be superstitious about the 13. I had been superstitious for years, but no longer wanted to be a victim of superstition. When I walked under scaffolding, I thought of renewal, repair and growth; rather than if it would fall on me or bring me back luck. When I saw one blackbird, it would mean stronger as one. Instead of one for sorrow. I tried to think positive.

In the first half of last year, good things happened. I got to meet HM the Queen at St James’s Palace, after saving someone’s life; getting a Good Citizens Award; receiving a Special Recognition Award for my beatredundancyblues business and a Certificate of Achievement. In the second half of the year, my guineapig Peaches died suddenly from a respiratory infection and genetic lung condition. Snuggles had to have a tumor removed, and tests revealed she has an enlarged heart and spot on her lung. Cinnamon was rushed in for emergency surgery for an abscess on his face that was the size of a tennis ball. Daisy had to have surgery to remove lumps from her stomach and to have one of her teats removed.

My Grandma died yesterday, on Friday 13th.

On reflection, you could say that last year, there was an equal amount of good and bad, but what my piggies went through was worse than the good felt by the awards that I received. I saved a life, but I couldn’t save another.

Am I still superstitious? Yes, I am a bit superstitious. People still tend to die in threes. My mum told me yesterday about a total of 5 deaths and sure enough later that day, one of my Facebook friends that I used to work with in a voluntary capacity, said he lost his Nan a couple of weeks ago. Of course I do accept there is more people that will have died, but I tend to hear about 3 in close succession. Maybe it’s because I am focusing on 3, that is all I see. I will continue to challenge such beliefs.

I will still strive to turn negative thoughts about things into positive ones, so my superstitions are less. I do believe reincarnation can happen for some people. It may have happened to me before. It’s possible. Anything is possible is this amazing universe.

My Grandma believed in my writing and always backed me up. I told her I was dedicating my Break through the barriers of redundancy book, to her. She asked me to bring her a copy when it was published. She never doubted my abilities for a nanosecond. She didn’t say if, but when. The dedication is currently written in present tense, so I will need to change that to past tense – Maybe? I will thrust ahead with all of my writing projects knowing that she will be more proud of me than ever. She told me she loved me and that she was proud of me on more than one occasion. We had the same sort of mind and we just ‘got’ each other. She will never be forgotten because she lives on through me.  Which seems a bit of a weird and quirky thing to say, but it’s true. Our minds were so alike.

My Grandma was diagnosed with an overactive brain by her doctor, at the age of about 3 or 4. My mum told me she used to get up in the middle of the night and write sums on her wall. I, too, have been blessed with an overactive brain. It never stops doing and thinking. It is incredible. I have a writer’s mind and the ability to see things that some other non-writers can’t. It helps me to be entrepreneurial, as well as creative in writing. Years ago I didn’t like who I was; now I love it. I totally accept myself for who I am and realise I was born this way for a very specific purpose. My mind is not a problem, but a unique gift that I am blessed with. I am no longer depressed, I am loving life. Despite whatever happens in life, including my Grandma’s death, I am blessed to be me, blessed to have my overactive mind, particularly for writing and coming up with business solutions from out of nowhere, and blessed to be living. Most of all I am blessed to have held my Grandma’s hand whilst she died. I continued to hold it until the doctor arrived a little after an hour later. Yes, it was weird holding the hand of a corpse. Her hand was as stiff and as white as a sheet by the time I let go, removed her watch as my mum asked me to, and put her hand under her blanket. I sobbed my heart out for this hour, talking to her even though she was dead. It was a very weird experience because I had never seen a human dead body before, let alone touched or held the hand of one. Only on TV had I seen that before. I wanted to keep hold of her until the doctor came to officially announce her death, and he did. Only then could I leave her body and blow her a kiss goodbye.

It may have been a morbid experience to have held her hand for that long; to feel her hand pulsate and tingle as the blood moved away from it, but I guess I haven’t experienced that kind of thing before, I wanted to share that experience with her. I wasn’t afraid like I thought I would have been. I kissed her forehead shortly after she died and that had already gone stiff. Her arms stiff felt squidgy.

To my wonderful Grandma:
I love you now,
I love you forever.
I love you,
My precious treasure.
Amen.

If you have read this entire post, then thank you. It is probably one the longest posts that I have ever written. I realise you may have found some of this post a bit disturbing or upsetting, because if I was not me, and I was reading it, that may have been how I interpreted it. I always knew while holding her hand that I would write a blog post about it; that I would be able write to give me strength, to deal with my grief, let it out, go with the flow and feel that closeness to my Grandma. She will never leave me, for she won’t just be in my heart, she will remind me in my mind of the connection we shared and of the bond that is unbreakable. She will remind me of what pure love is. She will make me more determined that ever, to enjoy life to the fullest and to fulfil all of my life goals, ambitions, dreams and so much more. She had two mottos in life: One – There is no such words as can’t, and two – If you don’t use it, you lose it. Her body packed in because she was no longer using it much. Her mind was filled with a ton of stuff that was no longer exercised. Her love of me kept her going. Bless her. I wasn’t always happy about the care she received in the nursing home and in that respect she is free. She is my lovely Grandma, whom I will forever love implicitly.

Thanks for listening. What do you think about superstitions?

Write when I can
Sandra

Ps. Live life to the fullest because you never know how long you have got. My Grandma was 96 years young when she passed away yesterday. Thank God I was there to hold her hand while she died. It was her dying wish. Feeling good about that and blessed.