This Is The Post I Never Wanted To Write – 4 years of life, gone in a flash! My Chestnut Furry Kid Guinea Pig Daughter Is Dead!


My guinea pig furry kid daughter Chestnut is dead. 4 hours after surgery for removal of ovarian cysts, she started bleeding and they could not spot where from, she was opened up again and bled to death. Horrific! I love her to bits. She was my best friend, love of my life, my companion for the most part of 4 years and a real joy to know. I have a phobia of eyes and the way they stare and look, hers were the ONLY eyes I have ever found to be truly beautiful and I was mesmerised by them and wanted to look at them.

She was only sat on my chest and in my lap less than 24 hours before she died and was gone forever, I love her so much. The pain cuts like a knife right now. How can something so beautiful, have her pretty life end this way? I was so close to her and bonded with her, as she lived in my room with me before moving to live with my parents this April, a few days before her 4th birthday, the 23rd of April, which was the day before mine. My birthday is the 24th of April and I will miss sharing my birthday next year with her, as a joint celebration. She moved to live with my parents, due to Angel being diagnosed with diabetes and my parents can inject her when I couldn’t, as I have a real fear of needles and blood. My mum is diabetic herself. The last blood test I had was over 4 years ago, as far as I can remember.

Angel also had the same operation for removal of ovarian cysts just before Chestnut did. Thankfully Angel is okay and doing well overall, despite being blind and diabetic. The vet was more concerned about her pulling through in theory, because of her being diabetic, and usually she would need more time to come around from the anaesthetic. I am glad it was not two piggies I lost. I am not sure I will get another one to go with Angel, in theory it would be nice for her, but my mum is indoors with her nearly all the time and I haven’t had much luck with my guinea pigs from the point of view many have died young and had major operations. I still think I have been successful sticking with pets many otherwise would have given up on long ago, so it is lucky I got them. I am just thinking maybe I should not have any more, but I don’t know, and as Angel now lives with my parents, it has to be a joint decision, not solely my own.

These are the very last photos I took of Chestnut (the 4th one being the very last), and these are the last YouTube videos of her from the night before she died. One video is from my Quirky Books TV channel this blog belongs to, and I have included a video of Chestnut and Angel from my other channel called Asexualise My Asexual Life, which I currently Vlog on every single day, live, since the 1st of July this year, 2018.

Sandra and furry kid Chestnut    

And this is a video explaining what happened and how Chestnut came to no longer be in this life!

It’s been tough. It is hard to think that this little life is no more, especially as there is nothing visibly wrong with her on the outside.

I said in one of these videos that the head vet was doing the operation, but he didn’t, he supervised only, and was not there when she started bleeding. The vet who did it said he had operated before on guinea pigs and was with her at the end. He said he even had 2 staff nurses monitoring them both for 2 hours.

I have an asexual meetup that I organised in my city this weekend and whilst the meetup is officially on Sunday, many of us are also meeting up the evening before at 6.30pm, for food, drink, and chat. 4/5 are staying in hotels. I am with asexuals for a total of 4 days, and one is staying in a hotel for 3 nights, who is my BFF (Best Friend Forever), and arriving in my city this afternoon – Friday! It is hard to be around people when grieving, but great to have support and distraction of people also. I have allowed myself to cry a ton as you will see from the last video above, and I hope it inspired you in some way, to let all of the grief, heartache and pain, out, because otherwise it will eat you up and I would never want that to happen to you.

Until next time, from me, and Chestnut in heaven, always stay true to who you are, embrace your quirky, and live your dreams xx

Write soon

Sandra xxxxxxxx

Bye, Bye Chestnut, I love you with all of my precious heart, mind, body and soul. Loved our cuddles and our laughs together, our love for each other, and those squeaky moments. I am so very sorry what happened to you and that I could not save you. I am sorry I decide to go through with the operation for you, but I thought it had to be done as you lost some weight. The vet said it was unusual for a guinea pig to be recovered from an operation for 4 hours and then start to bleed, usually if that ever happens it would be quite soon after so maybe there was another underlying cause, and for the loss of wight also. I said no to the autopsy as I did not want your beautiful body to have to go through being opened up again, it would never have brought you back. I am sorry you bled to death, I would never wish that on my gorgeous girl. And I am sorry for all of the teeth chattering I caused at the mention of this operation, you never did that before, 4 months ago, when the lump was going to be removed from your back and it was successful. I am sorry for the brief panic attack you had at the vets, when you knew I had to leave you for this operation, it is almost as if you knew what was going to happen and it scared you for dear life and your heart was beating so very fast and your insides moving left to right in quick succession, then by the time my mum looked in the box, you had instantly calmed down and was eating hay. Did you know Chestnut? Did you instinctively have an inkling of what would happen to you today? Because I think it seems likely you sensed it from the teeth chattering and panic attack, you have always been so bold and brave and not that bothered before; super strong.

I telepathically was connected to you when I thought you would be having the operation. I don’t know if it was 12.45 or 1.15pm, or somewhere in-between there, but for what seemed like a good 10 minutes, I felt like I was spiritually connected to you, bonded in time with our minds and souls as one. It was like I went into a trance and our brains were linked somehow. I told you to fight and be strong and you did, I just did not foresee that bleeding coming out of nowhere. But I knew that when the vet saw you the previous week he said there is an 80% chance of survival with this operation, that it was not a good sign, as the head vet had never said that to me before.

It is hard when I had to sign the consent form, sign it to say if anything goes wrong, there is no liability and therefore no one is responsible, it is one of those things, which it is, I just really wish my love, that ‘that’ thing, had never happened to you.

I love you so very much from the bottom of my beautiful soul and heart to yours. Let us dance in the moonlight of no mans land, let us take each other by paw and hand and dance you in my arms. Let us dance cheek to cheek one more time my love and lets say goodnight and stay in peace forever. I love you my best friend, I am crazy for you, I have a sacred and special bond that no one will ever break and I can remember you for the rest of my life and beyond. Until we meet again my love, close your eyes and rest, let God and/or, the powers that be now, hold you in its tender loving warmth and caress, knowing you will always be mine forever, but I have to let you go and take a rest, forever. It seems so final, like an eternity, but the truth is, it is. I love you my darling, now come back close into mummy’s cuddle, I honesty can never let you go, because you are mine forever. So stay with me a little and a lot, look down on me from heaven and shine your beautiful light for all the world to see. Your companion Angel is looking up to the night sky, thinking of where you have gone, little unaware of you never coming back. She will miss you madly, as do I. Angels always return to heaven to watch over us, and until she does that, you will always be my angel and with me, my forever guiding light. I am glad I have still got Angel, but I wish I had got you in person too, because I feels helpless right now, and I am reaching out to you. As tears flow over my face in droves, and my face burns with the scars of tears down my cheeks for hours, I will never, ever, forget you my darling furry kid daughter Chestnut, and I will love your forever more. My love for you never stops, it grows day-by-day, even when you are away. I love you now and always.

Part of me wants to say rest in peace, but the truth is, I want you to squeak from the heavens, always be true to who you are, and never let those beautiful eyes lose their sparkle. We buried you tonight, in a towel, in my mum’s garden, dad dug up some space. They wrapped you in a green towel, green is sometimes unlucky for our family, but I hope it is lucky for you in getting you a good place in heaven and in the feeling of warmth and cosiness, as your spirit  transcends to heaven/that spiritual place above. I will miss your terribly. I already do. I don’t want to stop writing here and now, because I feel so very connected to you. My eyes look like a mess, but I don’t care, you would gladly lick them for me, if you were only here to do so. I can’t believe you have gone, I am still in disbelief. But your memory lives on in me and with me forever more. But you are more than just a memory to me, you are in my heart always.

Once again, I am so sorry if you saw this coming and I did not, I wish I could have stopped you dying, I really do. I was happy for the photos I took of us together, and the video of me and you. I love you Chestnut. In part this is not goodbye, because that just makes me cry, I love you my sweet one and always will forever and more. I always had in my mind until death do us part, that I would like to be with you until the very end. I am so sorry I was not in the recovery room with you when you passed your last breath, part of me felt like asking if I could be with you as you recovered, just in case anything should happen, but this was a very late thought, considering how long we were there waiting for you to come around. I can’t change back time, and I don’t know if I would have been allowed anyway, I wasn’t told you were dying, but found out you were dead. I asked the receptionist, who is having the problem with recovery and she said Chestnut. Then when the vet told me to come into the consultation room, and was carrying no piggies and I could see upset in his eye, like he had been crying, I said Chestnut is dead, and he said yes, Chestnut is dead, but how do you know that? I said the receptionist said she was the one having problems with recovery and I could see the upset in your eyes and just knew it, and then I broke down in tears, and later started to get panicky and pins and needles were in my blood drained fingers and my natural response was no doubt that my body was giving extra oxygen and blood to the heart and other vital organs, whilst having a panic attack. I was just very glad I gave both you and Angel a very big cuddle and lots of kisses before you went in for your operations, so you knew how very much mummy loves you and always will forever more xxxxxxxx I stayed with you until the allowable end and at least that was something. I love you Chestnut, mummy always loves you, forever and more, more, more. Nose rubs and kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss xxxxxxxx

Lost For Words!!


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My Grandma Bellamy

My parents put my Grandma’s ashes in the sea without me; on Tuesday 10th of May, and I am still upset about it.

Part of me really didn’t want to do that because of the excruciating physical pain I got even preparing myself for it when they cancelled it happening a few months ago, because the tide was out. So I have been spared one pain; but have another. In my opinion it should have been done almost two years ago, soon after she died on Fri 13th June 2014, but that wasn’t an option right at that time and it wasn’t my choice to wait until October when the holiday maker’s were not around. As that time passed, I wanted to wait until my Break Through The Barriers Of Redundancy To Get Back Into Work – An A-Z ‘How To’ guide was published, as it is dedicated to my Grandma. I held her hand as she died and told her she could go and I was there at the funeral, so had already said goodbye, and to go through that all again; almost two years later, when I had essentially gotten over it, was too much to bear. My parents knew this, and I didn’t know they were going to do that on Tuesday night. I also felt she would have wanted me to be there and said this to them, so it’s a tough one.

Now I keep feeling like I should go to that sea and another part of me is crying enough without doing that, and I need to get back to being quirky – which I can’t help and wouldn’t want to; bubbly, happy; positive; Sandra Bellamy. It’s coming, but I have to grieve again first. Sometimes you just have to let yourself go through the grieving process consciously. It’s healthier than bottling it up, so long as you remember to keep persisting in pulling yourself back towards the light and keep saying and believing that this is only temporary, which the grief absolutely is.

Because I wasn’t there, to me it feels like it hasn’t happened, but when I recite my dad’s text message back, that I cannot say because it is too painful – I have deleted it – the reality kicks in!

No word since from my parents which is to be expected, they can’t seem to deal with me being upset. Different people to me. If my children were in pain (never having my own kids so theoretical only), despite the fact I know they would not be happy with me if in my situation, I would still want to be there for them to support, understand, and help to get them through it. At least it toughens me up as in the sense it makes me stronger. In fairness to them, they were doing it to save me greater pain and part of me just wished it would happen and I would not have to be a part of it. But a text message!! I still know they have kind hearts. Just very different to me. I do have a necklace with some of my Grandma’s ashes in it, that my dad bought and had especially made for me at that time of her death, so that is good.

Until next time; write soon, embrace your quirky, and each other’s.

If you have a loved one, remember to stroke their arms, their hands, their face, and feel their fingers and skin, so when they go, you will still remember them and how they felt when they were alive.

God bless you.

With much love and thanks for your support always

Sandra
XxxxxxxX

Remembering My Snugs With Love Always


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This is the plant the vet gave me after Snuggle's Passed Away
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Beautiful Flowers

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In Loving Memory Of My Snuggles

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Snuggles's plant sent by the vet last year

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Snuggles with mum Sandra Bellamy

It’s really hard for me to write this post. A few days ago, it was the first year anniversary of Snuggles’s death. Writing it a few days later, does not ease the pain I feel inside, although I had hoped it would not feel so raw.

This is the plant the vet sent to me after she died. Normally flowering plants die on me, but not this one. It has more flowers on it than last year.

Snuggles – I called my snugs for short, was a best friend to me, she licked the tears from my face when my Grandma passed away last year.

I feel too emotional to write any more.

I love you my Snuggles always and forever more xxxxxxxx

My Grandma Bellamy – Gone but not forgotten!


 

My Grandma Bellamy
My Grandma Bellamy
Break Through The Barriers Of Redundancy Manuscript
Break Through The Barriers Of Redundancy Manuscript

My Grandma died a year ago on Friday 13th at 9.20pm. I was holding her hand when died and that was her dying wish that she told me about in February last year. I am so glad I fulfilled that wish. I am not going to dwell, as it’s too upsetting for me. I know she supported me 100% in my career. I have spent about 10 hours revising and amending my book today and I am going to continue to work on it. The book is dedicated to her and she knew that before she died.

As you can see it’s a mammoth book and a mammoth task to edit and amend it – It’s going to be an amazing book – I look at it and think, did I really write that? – Yep!

I am working hard to get it published in e-Book format on Amazon asap.

Write soon and stay quirky

Sandra

 

A Loving Memory Poem About Snuggles From Hutachagoodlife – Thank you


In Loving Memory Of My Snuggles Who Sadly Died This Morning

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A huge thank you to hutchagoodlife.wordpress.com from the bottom of my heart, for these lovely words and your beautiful poem. You have touched my heart and soul. Snuggles would have loved the poem, just as much as I do.

Whee are utterly heartbroken and so very very sorry for your loss.

Snuggles may have passed away,
And your heart’s clearly breaking,
But remember all the good times,
And let them ease the aching.
Let the memory of her squeak,
And the smile on her lips,
Bring you some small comfort,
When your heart’s in griefs grips.
She is no longer of this Earth,
Over the Rainbow Bridge she stays,
Happy, free and painlessly,
In the meadows in the sky she plays.
So dry your tears,
And take my hand,
Smile my dear friend,
Because, like a circle,
Her life and your love,
Will surely never end.

You are in our thoughts

xxxx

In Loving Memory Of My Snuggles Who Sadly Died This Morning


Hi everyone

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Sadly Snuggles died at the vets at around 3am this morning. I got a phone call at around 9am.

I have felt devastated all day, upset, and really sorry I could not have Snuggled/C2013-10-12 08.52.13uddled her for longer yesterday, because I felt so faint in the vets.

Today I have had to do practical things, that I really wasn’t in the mood for. I had to go to the bank to transfer money for rent and set up two accounts. Including, one for pet insurance. I also had to take the money out of my ISA to pay for Snuggles’s operation.

After the excruciating amount of money I have spent over last year and this year, I need to insure Snow and Chesnut. As Daisy had a lump problem before, and may still have one (check-up this Thursday), I cannot insure her for that, but I can for other illnesses that are non-related to any pre-existing conditions.


To my beautiful Snuggles:

Your eyes are gleaming,

Your love is beaming,

A ray of sunshine back into my heart.

I remember you as a baby,

Your tiny nose,

Furry coat

And fluffy whiskers

You always had such a bounce and spring in your step,

You lived your life with no regret,

You wheeked and wheeked for your favourite veg,

You bumbled along, bold and amazing.

You were a warrior and my hero,

Seeing you yesterday come back to life, from almost dead, was incredible,

You are sensational,

You are my bestest friend

And you always will be.

You licked my tears away from my face

With your gentle grace,

As I cried uncontrollably from my Grandma’s death.

Even though you were frailer,

Your eyes squinting and paler,

You still made the effort to lick my tears this week,

You were a second mum to me.

You were so cute, cuddly and snuggly.

You loved snuggling under my chin,

If guineapigs could smile,

You would have had an awesome grin.

You were the most beautiful and precious pig,

A gorgeous tri-colour.

If I grow up to be half as strong as you were,

I will be so proud of me,

But best of all,

I will always be so proud of you my dearest Snuggles,

You will forever be,

My little baby.

I love you with all of my heart,

Now and forever,

One day we will again be together,

But for now,

I will enjoy each and every minute of life.

Because to be alive is great,

It’s the greatest blessing and comfort of all,

I love you forever and more,

Eight good luck kisses for you

XXXXXXXX

Say hello to Peaches and Cinnamon too.

I am happy we discussed death in your final days,

So it’s not such a haze,

But a sacred place where we have been together,

I love you, come what may be the weather.

We will always be furry soul mates,

With no hesitate.

I love you until eternity and back.

My dear Snuggles,

I am thrilled you lived to be three,

Now go and be pain free,

Play in the garden of heaven,

I would say save a place for me,

But I don’t want to tempt my fate,

I want to live to be a hundred,

Or much later.

I still have hope, optimism and positivity,

You always inspired that within me.

I love you for that and all of your amazing ways,

I love you for you, always xxxxxxxx

A Celebration of Life!


Hi everyone

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Cinnamon just had a bath.
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It’s sad to think I won’t have Cinnamon or my Grandma this Christmas.

This morning my Cinnamon died at home in his cage. He had been severely poorly. He had barely eaten all day on Saturday. I took Sunday off from my day job to take him to the vets. He had to have surgery on most of his teeth. The bottom ones, either side, that were curving over onto his tongue and had food trapped inbetween the gaps in his teeth, and the top teeth that had split. One of his bottom teeth had somehow broken off. He had bad side effects from the anaesthetic, including peeing blood. He had a fit and still wouldn’t eat or drink by himself, and this was ongoing until he died.
I rushed Cinnamon into the emergency vets on Monday morning. Then to my own vets after, where they kept him all day and syringe fed him. I rushed him into my own vets yesterday, after he went on his side and his eyes were closing. In the taxi, his body was convulsing. It was horrid to watch. At the vets he was okay, and they said it must have been seizures. They had him in for the day and syringe fed him. He made a few piggie noises which was a good sign, but he was still very sick. Each time at home, he would barely be able to stand up and kept sleeping. Although the vets believed that his teeth stopped him from eating, two x-rays revealed he had a mass near his kidney and abdomen, that wasn’t a fatty lump. If he didn’t eat by himself by Saturday, he would have had to have an operation to remove it, or he would have died. Nature took him sooner.

There is a saying; that says start each day afresh. I have had to start the same day afresh, and turn the page immediately to start a new chapter in my life. Although I have been grieving for Cinnamon, I have had to put Daisy first. She cannot live by herself; and won’t eat or drink without Cinnamon, and would go downhill and die herself if I had left her on her own. I took action before Cinnamon was taken by my parents to be buried.

While my parents were still in my home, I researched the internet for a new bigger, because I needed my dad to take me to get one. I phoned a breeder whose piggies had all gone; but the heavens were smiling down on me and my furry family, and she had a friend who was a breeder. This friend just happened to have one single female piggie that hadn’t been able to be paired, because she is so different. As you know, being quirky myself, I love different. I went and bought her this afternoon and said she looks like a chestnut, so that is what I have named her. Daisy started eating again shortly afterwards. At the moment they are all living happily ever after, and it isn’t a fairytale in the fictional sense; but a truly magical gift that Chestnut happened to be in the right place at the right time.
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Chestnut.
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Daisy and new life partner Chestnut.

I miss you Cinnamon so much and I love you with every beat of my heart. I am so very sorry I couldn’t have saved you my sweetheart. Thankyou for the wonderful memories we will always share. I feel pain and loss for you, and mummy will always love you and treasure every moment and every whisker twitch she had from, and with, you. You were the vet’s favourite and my handsome, sexy male pig. You could give the human males a run for their money with such stunning beauty as yours. I loved putting my fingers through your locks of hair, holding you upright in my hands, which you loved, and calling you my king. You loved being the head of the household and I will miss you so very much, my precious one. Know you will be in my heart, forever and always. I love you until the ends of time and forever.

These last few days have been so emotional for me. I have been on a knife’s edge, not knowing whether Cinnamon will live to see another day, or be gone in the blink of an eye. After a few strange noises this morning from Cinnamon’s cage and a couple of light switches on and off, to see what was happening. Cinnamon sadly passed away in his sleeping position. When I took him out of the cage, he was dead, but only just, I think, because his body was so warm. I may have seen the shallows of his last breaths, or I may not have done. One thing I do know, he was a fantastic character, a great headbutter, and I will always love him no matter what.

As I celebrate your life before passing, I welcome a new life into our quirky furry family. It’s hard, but I have to remain strong and get through it. I love you forever Cinnamon. God bless you and keep you safe in his cuddle always. Goodbye my special one. I love you implicitly and always will, forever more. May your soul be at peace now, as your journey continues on the other side. Night my sweet Cinnamon. Love you forever and ever in my heart.

I am out of words and devastated, but thankful for Chestnut coming into our lives to save Daisy.

Take care of you and each other. Life is too short not to care. If you love someone or care for someone, tell them. You only get one life, and the choices you make now, will shape your future forever.
Thank you to each and every one of you, for being part of my community, my quirky life, and my quirky world. God bless each and every one of you.

Always remember to embrace your quirky, keep writing, and lead the life that only you were born to lead.

Sandra