So it’s a while since I last blogged on here and I am sorry I have not connected with you for a while. Truth is I have been overwhelmed with all of the stuff I do in my life, with various outstanding tasks still to be completed so I can feel like I am making genuine progress, other than just doing little bits to push along projects, and with various questions people have triggered in my brain recently that has left me questioning myself and where I am headed/heading in my life and career. See the thing is, I am not motivated by money, when really I think I ought to be more. I believe in truly changing people’s lives and to do that you do not need money, but you need money to live, eat, and keep a roof over one’s head. So I am in a constant tug of war at the moment, between all of the free stuff I do to help people, which I love doing and is very true to my heart and motivation in my life, and the improved financial life that I need to achieve. It is playing on my mind a lot lately.
Truth is, I just want to be a full-time writer, and make a shed load of money from it while changing lives through the written word. Lives of many different people from all walks of life, not just asexuals, but more books for them too as they are important to me and I really believe asexuality is also my calling, but my first love has always been writing because it make my soul dance and my heart leap and makes me feel so much better and alive when I am doing it. Most people know that many of us do not make a full-time living from writing alone, and that is a sad reality, but there are also people who do just that, and so it cannot be impossible, although usually a lot do other writing related stuff to boost income. I also wish I could make a full-time living from the asexual stuff I do as that is my hugest passion after writing – it is a close second. But I am far from doing that. I don’t help asexuals for the money, I help them to leave a lasting legacy for generations to come and to let them know they are not alone, to raise awareness on a global scale and make them feel happier and more confident within themselves and their asexual life, and I know I have helped some of them do that as they tell me. I know I have helped some of them make long lasting friendships – I have made life friendships with some too, and that to me is success and happiness, right there.
I did a test in my work years ago, about what motivates you, and first for me was a sense of responsibility, second was a sense of achievement and third was money. And the first two motivators are what drives me to do the asexual work I do and it fulfils me. The third I make a little bit of money through T-Shirts and my books, but it is pocket money, rather than substantial money. So I have to be doing other things to make more money, but asexuality and writing are truly what makes my heart leap and happy. So this is the dilemma I currently face.
Recently, because of this tug of war and overwhelm within me, I have felt like I just need a week off to be me again, if that makes sense, to just chill, maybe to have a bit of reflection, but most importantly take time out for me to do nothing much and think of nothing much as my brain needs a rest. Negativity from a few people has started to get to me when really I shouldn’t let it, especially as I still believe in myself and love myself – just I feel pulled in many directions with lots of options but not sure which one will work to make that important income to work from home and never go back to an employed job again, whilst at the moment I am still considering employed options. I also have lots of outstanding tasks that are mostly of the monotonous type, and many tasks to do and finish, and then my mind just shuts down.
So in view of the fact that I need a week off, what should happen but an accident. I was out dancing on my own on Tuesday – I started to go out dancing on my own a few months ago, and this guy fell on the floor and his head landed underneath my foot, but somehow he managed to damage the top of my foot, and my left foot is badly swollen and even the ankle too. This happened on Tuesday night and I am still recovering. I was very worried about the guy as his head I felt under my foot but I immediate removed it, and another woman helped him up straight away as I just looked down and saw him on the floor being helped up, and he said he was okay several times to her but looked dazed and kept feeling his mouth. He had been trying to dance with me, then her, but I think he was drunk and then out of the blue when I was dancing he someone managed to land underneath my foot, I felt so bad about this, even though it was not my fault at all.
So I have not done anything on my Mac until this blog post, and most of my work stuff is on my Mac – such as social media, website stuff, T-Shirt and writing stuff. I don’t have WordPress on my phone anymore as I had to delete it due to not enough internal memory only phone, and I need to keep my foot elevated, which is almost impossible to do while writing this – I am trying but my body is severely twisted with my leg out behind me on the bed for however long I can stand it being in that position, and trying to put my foot on my desk is too high up really – yes, I tried it. And besides, this foot accident is a blessing in disguise because I wanted a reason to have a week off from any work and now I have it and have been watching movies and chilling out mostly. I believe everything happens for a reason and I am happy to know I am still a positive person in this way, and also intuitive. I hope you are not like me and have to have such an excuse! Or in my case reason. I think I will allow myself the word reason in this instance. (Maybe I am too hard on myself!)
Although I did have to attend the job centre yesterday and managed to hobble my way back home which took me well over an hour when it would usually take me about half an hour. The taxi company that I used to get there, (which my mum kindly gave me the money for and my parents also did a massive food shop for me that my dad paid for – super sweet of him and them), was fully booked for an hour coming back, and I went for the bus, but decided to challenge myself by getting back home on mostly – one foot! And as I only got movement back in all 4 of my toes and could put my whole foot to the floor in the morning but not my full weight still, a challenge it was. My right leg was hurting from the over compensation of weight being put on that foot and my injured foot was still swollen when home, and my ankle seemed to have swollen back up more again.
Despite the fact my foot has been injured, I have managed to still keep up live streaming on my Asexualise My Asexual Life channel – This is the 3rd month I have live streamed every single day. Here are 2 videos about my foot on that channel from the last 2 days.
Until next time, stay quirky and write soon