Are you superstitious? – Gone but never forgotten


Hi everyone

Grandma Kathleen Bellamy

 

My Grandma died last night while I held her hand. She told me a few months ago that her dying wish was not to die alone and for me to hold her hand as she passed away. I was blessed to have fulfilled that wish. She hung on just for me to say goodbye. She had pneumonia and could barely breathe. I told her that I didn’t want her to die, but if she had to go, it was okay. Within a few minutes she had passed away.

I had been at work yesterday in my day job and went food shopping after work. My mobile phone had been on silent and I had realised that I had missed a call from my mum. As soon as I got home, I saw my landline answer machine flashing; there was a message on it from my mum and I phoned my mum back. She told me that the doctor had visited my Grandma earlier that day and said she has only hours to live. My dad was at the home at that point with my Grandma. After talking to my mum, she went to the home to hold my Grandma’s hand while my dad picked me up to see my Grandma.

It was weird getting ready for my dad to pick me up to go to my Grandma’s death. I had to feed my guineapigs extra veg; give them fresh water and a pile of piggy mix so I could prepare for staying over at my parents. I packed some food, some clothes and my charger. I ate some rice and fish that I had heated in the microwave. ‘Is this what it is like, preparing for someone’s death?’ I thought to myself. It was a very surreal and odd moment.

I vowed last year, 2013, to try to not be superstitious about the 13. I had been superstitious for years, but no longer wanted to be a victim of superstition. When I walked under scaffolding, I thought of renewal, repair and growth; rather than if it would fall on me or bring me back luck. When I saw one blackbird, it would mean stronger as one. Instead of one for sorrow. I tried to think positive.

In the first half of last year, good things happened. I got to meet HM the Queen at St James’s Palace, after saving someone’s life; getting a Good Citizens Award; receiving a Special Recognition Award for my beatredundancyblues business and a Certificate of Achievement. In the second half of the year, my guineapig Peaches died suddenly from a respiratory infection and genetic lung condition. Snuggles had to have a tumor removed, and tests revealed she has an enlarged heart and spot on her lung. Cinnamon was rushed in for emergency surgery for an abscess on his face that was the size of a tennis ball. Daisy had to have surgery to remove lumps from her stomach and to have one of her teats removed.

My Grandma died yesterday, on Friday 13th.

On reflection, you could say that last year, there was an equal amount of good and bad, but what my piggies went through was worse than the good felt by the awards that I received. I saved a life, but I couldn’t save another.

Am I still superstitious? Yes, I am a bit superstitious. People still tend to die in threes. My mum told me yesterday about a total of 5 deaths and sure enough later that day, one of my Facebook friends that I used to work with in a voluntary capacity, said he lost his Nan a couple of weeks ago. Of course I do accept there is more people that will have died, but I tend to hear about 3 in close succession. Maybe it’s because I am focusing on 3, that is all I see. I will continue to challenge such beliefs.

I will still strive to turn negative thoughts about things into positive ones, so my superstitions are less. I do believe reincarnation can happen for some people. It may have happened to me before. It’s possible. Anything is possible is this amazing universe.

My Grandma believed in my writing and always backed me up. I told her I was dedicating my Break through the barriers of redundancy book, to her. She asked me to bring her a copy when it was published. She never doubted my abilities for a nanosecond. She didn’t say if, but when. The dedication is currently written in present tense, so I will need to change that to past tense – Maybe? I will thrust ahead with all of my writing projects knowing that she will be more proud of me than ever. She told me she loved me and that she was proud of me on more than one occasion. We had the same sort of mind and we just ‘got’ each other. She will never be forgotten because she lives on through me.  Which seems a bit of a weird and quirky thing to say, but it’s true. Our minds were so alike.

My Grandma was diagnosed with an overactive brain by her doctor, at the age of about 3 or 4. My mum told me she used to get up in the middle of the night and write sums on her wall. I, too, have been blessed with an overactive brain. It never stops doing and thinking. It is incredible. I have a writer’s mind and the ability to see things that some other non-writers can’t. It helps me to be entrepreneurial, as well as creative in writing. Years ago I didn’t like who I was; now I love it. I totally accept myself for who I am and realise I was born this way for a very specific purpose. My mind is not a problem, but a unique gift that I am blessed with. I am no longer depressed, I am loving life. Despite whatever happens in life, including my Grandma’s death, I am blessed to be me, blessed to have my overactive mind, particularly for writing and coming up with business solutions from out of nowhere, and blessed to be living. Most of all I am blessed to have held my Grandma’s hand whilst she died. I continued to hold it until the doctor arrived a little after an hour later. Yes, it was weird holding the hand of a corpse. Her hand was as stiff and as white as a sheet by the time I let go, removed her watch as my mum asked me to, and put her hand under her blanket. I sobbed my heart out for this hour, talking to her even though she was dead. It was a very weird experience because I had never seen a human dead body before, let alone touched or held the hand of one. Only on TV had I seen that before. I wanted to keep hold of her until the doctor came to officially announce her death, and he did. Only then could I leave her body and blow her a kiss goodbye.

It may have been a morbid experience to have held her hand for that long; to feel her hand pulsate and tingle as the blood moved away from it, but I guess I haven’t experienced that kind of thing before, I wanted to share that experience with her. I wasn’t afraid like I thought I would have been. I kissed her forehead shortly after she died and that had already gone stiff. Her arms stiff felt squidgy.

To my wonderful Grandma:
I love you now,
I love you forever.
I love you,
My precious treasure.
Amen.

If you have read this entire post, then thank you. It is probably one the longest posts that I have ever written. I realise you may have found some of this post a bit disturbing or upsetting, because if I was not me, and I was reading it, that may have been how I interpreted it. I always knew while holding her hand that I would write a blog post about it; that I would be able write to give me strength, to deal with my grief, let it out, go with the flow and feel that closeness to my Grandma. She will never leave me, for she won’t just be in my heart, she will remind me in my mind of the connection we shared and of the bond that is unbreakable. She will remind me of what pure love is. She will make me more determined that ever, to enjoy life to the fullest and to fulfil all of my life goals, ambitions, dreams and so much more. She had two mottos in life: One – There is no such words as can’t, and two – If you don’t use it, you lose it. Her body packed in because she was no longer using it much. Her mind was filled with a ton of stuff that was no longer exercised. Her love of me kept her going. Bless her. I wasn’t always happy about the care she received in the nursing home and in that respect she is free. She is my lovely Grandma, whom I will forever love implicitly.

Thanks for listening. What do you think about superstitions?

Write when I can
Sandra

Ps. Live life to the fullest because you never know how long you have got. My Grandma was 96 years young when she passed away yesterday. Thank God I was there to hold her hand while she died. It was her dying wish. Feeling good about that and blessed.

Advertisements

40 thoughts on “Are you superstitious? – Gone but never forgotten

  1. Such a sweet tribute to your grandmother. I just lost mine in Nov of 2013 and she was 98. Isn’t it a blessing to have the influence of such awesome women? I loved your post……
    I don’t really have any superstitions but I do weird stuff sometimes that doesn’t make sense like never stepping on a crack when I walk on a sidewalk. It’s almost subconscious. I do not walk under ladders (unless I have to). But the “deaths come in threes” thing is true for me… never fails. Unfortunatley sometimes there are 5 or 6 😦
    Your writing is amazing and I am sure she is looking down and very proud… 🙂

    Like

    1. I am glad you loved my post. I am so sorry to hear about your Grandmother. 98 is a fantastic age. It is wonderful to have the influence of awesome women.

      I can understand the stepping on a crack thing. In case it opens up and swallows you – I think I have watched one too many films in which that happens.

      Thank you for saying my writing is amazing and that she is looking down and very proud of me, that is lovely of you xx

      Like

  2. Dear Sandra, I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Grandma, but she would be so proud of the beautiful tribute you shared here. Your Grandma lives on in you, with the same amazing spirit, inspiration for others and that wonderful overactive brain! Your positivity is incredible, but I know that this was very hard for you. You were able to grieve, and still will but the fact that you fulfilled your Grandma’s dying wish will always be with you and enable you to carry on with that precious gift forever living in your heart. In this way, your Grandma will never be forgotten and you will be able to continue telling her story, as well as your own…
    God bless you my friend and sending you special hugs at this time… Sherri xx

    Like

    1. Sherri, you know me so well. Your words are sweet music to my soul. I am glad you ‘get’ me and you ‘got’ the essence of this post and captured it perfectly. Thanks for saying I have the same amazing spirit, inspiration for others and that my overactive brain is ‘wonderful’. I am smiling because of you right now. Thank you a million times over.

      Like

    1. Thanks Mike, I am glad you found it beautiful and moving. I was blessed to have known my Grandma all of my life. She was an awesome woman who was never afraid to speak her mind.

      Like

  3. Many hugs Sandra, it was good you were there for her when she needed you most. she surely passed away in peace, knowing you were there, loving her. Not many people get to that age and you are blessed to have had her for such a long time. Enjoy the wonderful memories you have from your Grandma and know that she will still be watching over you!

    Like

  4. So sorry to hear of your loss, but it is good you were able to be with your grandmother at the last, as she wanted; and what a wonderful tribute you have written to her. Remembering them is the best of all things we can do for those we love who are no more.

    Like

    1. Thanks Matthew. I am glad you like what I have written and that you feel it’s a wonderful tribute to her. It’s important for me to know that. It always helps me to write; no matter if I am feeling excited, happy, sad or upset. I think it’s important to get emotions out in a constructive way and to be my authentic self when I write. I wasn’t sure how people would feel about me writing about my Grandma’s death, because I like to be positive as much as possible, and I stayed holding her hand long after she had died, which was weird for me but I felt it was the right thing to do.

      Like

  5. This is the longest ever post as for you because your heart was that much in pain. Lucky that you were with her in her last moments. Surely her soul would have rested in peace.

    Like

    1. Thanks. She hung on for me and got her dying wish so I am very happy for that. She wouldn’t have rested until I was there. Then she could pass. It was hard because her tongue was moving in a lizard like fashion but not much else. She could hear my voice but couldn’t move much as she took her last breaths. It was a bit distressing seeing her like that and there was nothing I could do but be there for her. Glad I was. So glad.

      Like

  6. A wonderful tribute to your grandmother Sandra. It shows through out just how much you loved her. So glad you were able to be there as she passed, I’m sure she was much comforted by it. Big hugs!

    Like

  7. Again my deepest sympathies, the gift you gave your grandmother in her last moment on this earth was I believe one of the most selfless acts another human can do for another. For that I will always admire you. I hope as time goes on that you will heal and fill the void of her presence with the memories of her life.
    Many blessings
    Benjamin

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This is an awesome tribute, Sandra. You gave your grandmother strength when she needed it most.

    Superstitions: I grew up with lots of ‘believers’. I will always remember what I ‘learned’ – I guess I am not really superstitious, though.

    Like

      1. My grandmother and her ancestors were extremely superstitious. My mother grew up with a superstitious ‘mantra’; she and my grandmother took care to teach me this ‘knowledge’ as well.
        I like black cats (as I am not a mouse), I do not mind the numbers seven or eleven,
        I realised that there is no real rule of three. If two bad things have happened, superstitious people anxiously wait for number three, this fixation might actually lead to a third occurrence – because they didn’t pay proper attention…
        I would not walk under a ladder – because something might fall down. Why ladders are dangerous: Someone is working on it, tools or paint might fall down, you might walk under the ladder, stumble – and the poor guy up there falls down.
        I hope this explanation is not too disappointing. 😉

        Like

      2. Thanks for sharing. That’s interesting to read and know about other superstitions, and about how things have different meanings to different people. By comparison, I have never had a problem with 11 or 7. My mum’s lucky number is 7. Black cats have always meant good luck to me, if I see a black cat, I purposefully go and stroke it to bring me luck. I have avoided ladders a lot because of bad luck and I am talking about when there are no people near it, paint pots or other. When one person dies, I have got into a habit I guess, of thinking where are number two and three and sure enough I hear about them, whether through word of mouth or on the TV. This is a bit of a morbid thought, and it is a habit that I guess I can break should I wish.

        Like

  9. What a fantastic post. It was not too long, and I didn’t find it disturbing at all. I found it to be a great tribute from someone to their grandmother who was loved very much. She will always be with you, Sandra. She had faith in you, and it was well placed. She will be very proud of you as she always has been.

    I am superstitious after a fashion. When I see one magpie, I look for another. When I broke a mirror, I went through seven years of hell – which were nothing compared to the three years from 2008, but that’s besides the point. I may be superstitious about some things, but I won’t change anything

    Like

    1. Thanks for the feedback. I am glad you didn’t find it disturbing and you understood the message I was trying to convey. I tried to write as honestly and openly as possible. I meant bird as in magpie. I have done well to change my thinking on that one but I am thrilled to hear you won’t change anything. You will love the poem I have just posted on http://www.beatredundancyblues.wordpress.com – Be real – Never fake it!

      Like

      1. Thank you Al. It’s great to be busy. I have tons to do over these next couple of days. Including some more sobbing probably. Thanks for being there for me. You rock!

        Like

      2. You’re welcome Sandra. Any time you need to text me, send one to me. I am supporting my sister in the Race For Life today, so I may take a little while to get back to you

        Like

      3. Thanks Al, you are such an amazing person. So kind and thoughtful. A fantastic, great friend. Race of life is a great cause. I took part in that years ago.

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s